I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
