I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
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