Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
