yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
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Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
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You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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