I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
