My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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