Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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