oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
