You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
