i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
