I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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