i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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