Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
