I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
