when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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