Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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