a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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