The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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