Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
