why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
