i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
