Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
