worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
