Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
