If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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