I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
