it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
