I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I want a musical about memes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
