Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
