who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
