fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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