i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
