We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
