If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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