I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
