no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
