Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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