You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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