WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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