im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
