Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
