Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
