I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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