Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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