So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
