Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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