It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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