when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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