The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
