Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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