She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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