Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
