woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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