i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
