Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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