im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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