I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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