Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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