Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
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That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
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She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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