So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
