Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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