he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
