If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
