but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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